Work Jokes

I'm not saying I hate my job, but if I won the lottery, I'd still show up just to quit in person.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

The only thing I gained from my job is weight.

My resume is just a list of things I never want to do again.

Coffee: because adulting is hard.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

My job is secure. No one else wants it.

I'm not procrastinating, I'm doing side quests.

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment." I said, "I don't get it." He said, "That's right."

The problem with troubleshooting is that trouble shoots back.

I'm not saying my coworkers are dumb, but one of them asked if we had any vegetarian options at the steakhouse.

My performance review said I lack passion. I couldn't have cared less.

I told my boss three companies were after me. He asked which ones. I said the electric, gas, and water companies.

Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.

My boss is like a cloud. When he disappears, it's a beautiful day.

The best part about working from home? The commute.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I'm not late, everyone else is just early.

My job is so secret, even I don't know what I'm doing.

I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday.

My boss asked me to start the presentation with a joke. So I put up my payslip.

Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

Interviewer: "What is your greatest weakness?" Me: "Kryptonite."

My boss said "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." So I went in as Batman.

Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

I'm not sleeping, I'm inspecting my eyelids.

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

To err is human, to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Employer: "We need someone responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one. In my last job, every time something went wrong, they said I was responsible."

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Progress is made by lazy men looking for easier ways to do things.

I think I have the perfect job. I get to do nothing and get paid for it. Wait, I'm unemployed.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter.

Sick of work? Try being sick at work!

I tried to retire, but now I work for my wife.

Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? He was soda pressed.

I hate it when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, dreams...

There is no "I" in team, but there is in "Hidden".

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

Why are chemists excellent for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

Why did the employee get fired from the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

When I'm at work I can do anything! Except work.

My boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Why was the broom late for work? It over-swept.

A bad workman blames his tools. A good workman blames the documentation.

What is the difference between a job and a career? About 20 hours a week.

Why did the barber win the race? He knew a short cut.

I got fired from the keyboard factory. I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

My boss told me to rewrite the memo on "Being More Assertive". So I wrote "No."

I told my boss to fire me. He said "You can't fire me, I quit!"

Everyone brings joy to this office. Some when they enter, others when they leave.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Why did the skeleton go to work? He had a skele-ton of work to do.

Why are architects good at coming up with ideas? They have good plans.

I asked the corporate lawyer if he was honest. He said, "I'm in the legal department, not the ethics department."

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

I love my job. Lately, I've been adding to my list of reasons why I should quit.

I get plenty of exercise at work. Jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

I'm not sleeping on the job. I'm just resting my eyes.

Why did the coffee go to the police? It got mugged.

What do you call a person who is happy on Monday? Retired.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

My computer is like a teenager. It has a lot of memory but no idea what to do with it.

Why did the employee get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.

Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"? Because every play has a cast.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

I used to work at a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.

I used to be a shoe salesman, but I didn't fit in.

I used to be a teacher, but I lost my class.

I used to be a watchmaker, but I didn't have the time.

I used to be a gardener, but I didn't have the thyme.

I used to handle all the finances at a Kleenex factory. But I blew it.

I threw my laptop into the ocean. Now it's a Dell Rolling in the Deep.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.

Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.

Why did the scarecrow become a neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A sham rock.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.