Puns Jokes

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two tired.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field!

I would avoid the sushi if I were you. It's a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

I'm reading a book about teleportation. It's bound to take me places.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

I'm terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I couldn't remember how to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

I used to be a doctor, but I lost my patience.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

Becoming a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

A boiled egg every morning is hard to beat.

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.

Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones are delivered by crane.

When you dream in color, is it a pigment of your imagination?

I made a pun about the wind but it blows.

Pencils could be made with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

I submitted ten puns to a contest to see if any would win. No pun in ten did.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.

The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.

Insect puns bug me.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Have you heard about the guy who stole the calendar? He got 12 months.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

The pony was unable to speak because he was a little hoarse.

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

The best time to go to the dentist is tooth-hurty.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was luck it was a soft drink.

I don't trust trees. They seem kind of shady.

Why are elevator jokes so good? They work on so many levels.

How do construction workers party? They raise the roof.

Why was the stadium so hot? All the fans left.

Need an ark? I Noah guy.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What is a witch's favorite subject in school? Spelling.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I'm reading a book on the history of glue. I just can't seem to put it down.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.

Why did the photo go to jail? It was framed.

Why did the belt go to jail? For holding up a pair of pants.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

What do you call a bee that produces milk? A boo-bee.

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.

Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.

What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.

How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.

Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.

Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.

Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.

Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.

Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.

What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.

Why did the scarecrow become a neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field.

What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A sham rock.

Why don't teddy bears ever order dessert? Because they're always stuffed.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you call a sleeping pizza? A piZZZa.

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!

What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.

What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.

What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.