Funny Jokes
Classic funny jokes that will make you laugh
100 jokes in this category
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
I invented a new word: Plagiarism.
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a group of unorganized cats? A cat-astrophe.
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why don't oysters donate to charity? Because they're shellfish.
What did one hat say to the other? You stay here, I'll go on ahead.
Why did the scarecrow become a successful neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A sham rock.
I sold my vacuum the other day. It was just gathering dust.
Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
You know what I saw today? A sign that said "Watch for Children". And I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
Who rock group has four men that don't sing? Mount Rushmore.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
I couldn't figure out how to put my seatbelt on. Then it clicked.
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. "Two beers, please. One for me and one for the road."
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
A dyslexia man walks into a bra.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave pizza in the oven.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.
Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always jaded.
Why did the gym close down? It just didn't work out.
I tell you what often gets overlooked: garden fences.
Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
What did the zero say to the eight? That belt looks tight on you.
I put my grandma on speed dial. I call it Insta-Gran.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.
Sleeping is my drug. My bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.
I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two tired.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory.
What do you call a belt made of watches? A waist of time.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away his credit card.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts.
What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.
Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two tired.
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? Sofishticated.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear.
Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
Why did the scarecrow become a neurosurgeon? He was outstanding in his field.
What do you call a fake stone in Ireland? A sham rock.
Why don't teddy bears ever order dessert? Because they're always stuffed.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
What do you call a sleeping pizza? A piZZZa.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.