Adult Jokes

I'm not saying I'm old, but I remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.

My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall." I said maybe.

I told my wife she should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

I'm not saying my wife is a bad cook, but our garbage disposal has developed an eating disorder.

What's the difference between your job and your wife? After five years, your job still sucks.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

I'm not saying I'm getting old, but I just bought a new car and the first thing I did was adjust the seat.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

I'm not saying I'm lazy, but I'm seriously considering hiring someone to scroll through my phone for me.

Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace." So I got her nothing.

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom? One snatches watches.

I'm not saying I'm Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

I'm not saying my ex is dumb, but she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One's a Goodyear, the other's a great year.

I'm not saying I'm old, but my birth certificate is in Roman numerals.

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. So I said, "Fatty, fatty, two-by-four..."

Sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

What's 6.9? A really good thing ruined by a period.

Why did the condom fly across the room? It was pissed off.

What’s the difference between ‘kinky’ and ‘perverted’? Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend. I was so angry I slammed the laptop shut.

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.

Using a vibrator is like ordering pizza. It’s not the real thing, but it still arrives in 30 minutes and satisfies you.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear zippers a mile away.

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and caught him by the organ.

Three stages of sex: 1. Tri-weekly. 2. Try weekly. 3. Try weakly.

Viagra is like Disneyland. You wait for an hour for a 2-minute ride.

What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

My wife said she wanted a little magic in our marriage. So I disappeared.

Why does Santa have such a big sack? Because he only comes once a year.

What is the definition of a mistress? Between a mister and a mattress.

Why don't cannibals eat divorced women? Because they're bitter.

My girlfriend started smoking during sex. So I slowed down and applied some lubricant.

What did the elephant ask the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

I asked my date what she wanted to drink. She said, "I guess I'll have champagne." I said, "Guess again."

Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't get a date.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Why do men like masturbation? It's sex with someone they love.

Why was the sex therapist eating a banana? She was practicing for her oral exam.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopus.

Why don't blind people like to skydive? It scares the crap out of the dog.

My wife accused me of cross-dressing. I packed her bags and left.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

I got a new pair of gloves for my wife. If it doesn't work out, I'm going to wash my hands of her.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash.

What's the difference between a nice and a naughty girl? A nice girl goes to parties, a naughty girl goes to after-parties.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

Relationship status: sleeping in a diagonal position on my bed.

My wife said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how, I didn't even know it was her birthday.

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

My girlfriend complains that I don't give her enough privacy. At least that's what she wrote in her diary.

Sex is like math. Add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray you don't multiply.

My girlfriend asked me to treat her like a princess. So I married her off to a stranger to secure an alliance with France.

Why did the witches’ team lose the baseball game? Their bats flew away.

Why did the man fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.

A naked woman robbed a bank. Nobody could remember her face.

Why is a penis like a light wind? It blows women away.

What's the difference between a boner and a Lamborghini? I don't have a Lamborghini.

Why do hurricanes have female names? They come wet and wild and leave with your house and car.

How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.

A man is like a floor. Lay him right and you can walk all over him.

My wife dressed up as a nurse tonight. I was excited until she gave me a bill for $4000.

Why does a mermaid wear seashells? Because B-shells are too small.

I like my women like I like my toast. Hot and consumable with butter.

Why did the man get fired from the sperm bank? He got caught drinking on the job.

My wife and I decided to roleplay. I was the patient, she was the doctor. She made me wait 45 minutes then told me it was all in my head.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

Size matters. Nobody wants a small cup of coffee.

Why didn't the skeleton go to the prom? He had no body to go with.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

Why did the nudist get fired? He was seeing too much of his coworkers.

Why did the man bring a ladder to the bar? He heard the drinks were on the house.

Why don't eggs get laid? Because they crack under pressure.

My wife says I'm a sex machine. My settings are "soft" and "quick".

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say? "Get a load of this guy."

What is the definition of mixed emotions? Seeing your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in your new car.

Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

Marriage is a workshop... where husband works and wife shops.

Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can.

What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip.

Why did the gynecologist become a waiter? He wanted to see the faces for a change.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

Did you hear about the guy who died from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? It said "Concentrate".

How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.

Why did the cookie check into the hospital? He felt crummy.

What do you call a boner in a suit? Important business.

Why did the man have sex with the clock? He wanted to kill time.

Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.

What did the penis say to the condom? Cover me, I'm going in.

Why did the computer squeak? Someone stepped on its mouse.

What did the left nut say to the right nut? Who's the guy in the middle thinking he's so hard?